Archive for September, 2007
Party Pooper T-Shirt by Retro God
Author: admin26 Sep
I confess - I am a party pooper. It must be part of the ageing process. I wasn’t exactly Fun Time Bobby, but my catchphrase throughout my late teens was ‘Where’s the party?’. It was a sincere expression, I truly wanted to party every weekend. I know that means screwing in the USA, but I just meant house parties. Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t like your Fresh Prince kinda house party, all I needed was a house, booze, attractive girls and music. That constituted a house party. I loved it, just when the whole concept went tits up.
I had a house party once, it was awful, my family returned home early, everyone was bored to tears, the music was, shall we say limited to a bunch of miserable records I’d stumbled across in 2nd hand vinylshops, and yes they were all badly scratched. It made me realize that no one who has regular house parties has a home. My place was trashed like everyone else’s. It was just nice for a while to be somewhere more personal than the dingy pubs and clubs around at the time.
These days there’s more atmosphere at a supermarket or an airport than some clubs I could mention. Super clubs are the worst. Vast warehouses, that unless you’re on some kind of mind altering substance, you soon notice just how ugly the whole place is, the girders, the rafters, the pidgeons in the eaves. I’ve worked in a few factories in my time, and to tell the truth, they were friendlier places.
These days it’s almost impossible to find a real good quality party run by amateurs, out of the goodness of their hearts, just for the kicks. Nope. There’s always some agenda, networking usually. I’ve been drawn into conversations on all sorts of crap, but costume jewellery and health products, that really is the pits. You can get Ann Summers parties, now they could be more interesting if they actually invited the blokes along too, but they know that business would be pushed aside and everyone would end up drunk as usual. Shame that.
There are swingers parties (god forbid), I’ve seen a Channel 4 doc on that whole scene, and if you are over fifty, sex mad, sport thongs, and enjoy rolling around in a dark room full of oily bodies, then good luck to you. S&M parties, why on earth anyone can enjoy pain, I don’t know, I was caned at school (corporal punishment incase you are a confused stoner). I didn’t enjoy it. Being punished doesn’t sound like a fun night out to me.
I suppose I must resign myself to the prospect of dinner parties (now they are not parties) and restaurants, theatre, film, art, the usual haunts of the reserved. I miss the party people, but unless you’re off your face you don’t want to bump into them anymore. Most of them are far uglier than I remember, but their hearts are as good as gold, as long as the drugs don’t wear off.
The people who scare me the most say they are ‘High on Life’, that sounds absurd to me, then again I am a miserable git. Who knows - perhaps they have a enjoyably toxic reaction to breathing air, or smiling makes them orgasm, their brains must be wired in a completely different way, an alien way, perhaps they are the future. I am certainly not. You can’t get me excited anymore, I’ve had my share, I’m a party pooper now, if you do invite me I am guaranteed to stand in the corner of your kitchen for ten minutes before making my excuses.
Tags: T-Shirts, house party, humor, party, party pooper, rave, retro, retro god, t shirt
The Great Escape T-Shirt by RetroGod.com
Author: admin26 Sep
A massive Escape Button surrounded by crowds of tourists. It would be nice if we all could really get away. Another planet, another dimension, somewhere where you’ll meet few if any humans.
My partner would always point out beauty spots of the countryside whenever we travelled on a motorway. Not so much now though. I heaped a debate on her, and she wasn’t really asking for one, but I did anyway. It went something like this…
What actually enabled us to see these beautiful places, from afar, from a car. The motorway (or freeway if you want me to go all American on you - besides that’s probably a misnomer by now anyway… I mean with the amount of toll roads these days I doubt few of them are actually free anymore.).
If you can see a beautiful place from somewhere as ugly as hell, you are spoiling the view. It’s kinda difficult to quantify what spoils a view. I have no problem with Wind Turbines for instance, I know a lot of nimbys do (nimby = not in my backyard). A blott on the landscape for me has more to do with function than form. It’s not how it looks so much as what it does, or rather how efficiently. All the Post Modernists back me up on this, form and function is a symbiosis of two essential disciplines. Anything that strips one from the other is a failure as far as design is concerned.
A wind turbine is essentially a beautifully ugly thing. It’s beauty comes from the knowledge that it does little if any damage to the environment in as efficient way as possible. From the belief that it is the way of the future, anon-polluting one at that. There are areas of the UK that won’t let you put up a satellite dish because it spoils the look of a listed village, a historical town, a heritage centre. I love history, but if it meant isolating myself from the present then I’d rather give it the heave-ho. Imagine what all those nimby council planners think about solar panels and wind turbines. Here’s a quickie, how about a wind turbine on every church steeple (how many are left now?) and disguise the top with a weather vane. It would be ugly, it would be inefficient, but if it gets past the beady eye of a planning officer with a heavy historical bias then it would be worth it.
Motorways are ugly. Cars can be beautiful in their own way, from a design perspective I mean. But get a thousand in a tailback with a cloud of smog overhead and you’re not painting a Turner are you? Until cars can hover we are stuffed. Let’s face it, we won’t have any countryside to tear through within fifty years. Even if we do learn to hover, we’ll still have difficulty seeing anything through that smog. How many years does it take to clean the sky anyway?
Getting back to the point, you can’t see beauty without ruining it, if man get’s his dirty mitts on anything beautiful, whatever his intentions, he does usually end up ruining it. I know we’ve got a few National Trust parks, they still get the smog but at least they’re not twelve lane bypasses for nearby cities. But what about the rest. It takes millions of years to form a landscape, man has always played with it, digging a tunnel here, building a bridge there. But now he can flatten it, raise it, put it out to sea, you name it. By the way - how long will those ornamental islands in Dubai last now that we know the world’s sea levels are rising?
Yes, yes, this has entry has turned in to one of those awful eco-rants you read just about everywhere. I’ll stop badgering you, I’m no better. Sure I recycle, I don’t even drive, but this old house we live in could never be described as ‘ecologically efficient’. I could do a lot more to help, but as the years have passed I’ve come to accept that what I remember is so drastically different from what the next can recall that soon a tree will be a surprise for the kids growing up these days.
I was on a plane recently, first time in years, I didn’t plant a tree, I didn’t carbon offset. But when I saw all those businessmen who use planes the way I used to use buses (get a bike), it kinda knocked me back for six. There is no great escape, no getaway. Next time you think you’ve managed to get away from the world, look up, that guy in the plane staring back, he’s thinking of putting a Starbucks franchise just where you’re standing.
Tags: T-Shirts, eco, escape, nerd, retro, retro god, surreal, t shirt, t shirt store, tee, tshirt, vacation
Loony Bin T-Shirt by RetroGod.com
Author: admin26 Sep
It seems that mental health has always been a no-no when it comes to general conversation. You can say you are crazy about snowboarding, football mad, you can say your job is driving you insane, you can use the words, but never play out the actions. Until now.
General society has until recently treated mental illness like an infection, don’t talk to mad people or you will end up exactly the same way, talking about god knows what conspiracies, impossible tales of impossible deeds. But funny enough it seems that all you normal people out there have accidentally embraced lunacy without realizing it.
I’ve had my turns, it’s true, I’ve suffered from manic depression, I’ve had suicidal friends, a lot of well-meaning straights would love to blame the drug culture, but when you take a closer look, you have to blame culture, nothing more than that.
Noise drives people crazy. City dwellers beware, noise does screw you up. The reason there’s so much noise these days isn’t just a matter of over-population, it’s the fact that everyone wants to make more noise. Their phones, their cars, their offices, their homes, their lives are noisy. Their friends are noisy, their bosses are noisy. Why do you think so many retire early from the Stock Market?
I met a retired stockbroker once, he was in his late twenties, he was jumping up and down in the train carriage as I played a stupid little Casio synth I was absorbed by at the time. He came over, wiping what seemed to be coke from his nose and grabbed it. He offered me double its worth in cash, I accepted, he didn’t have any cash. We laughed and he told me to play my junk, I just made it up and he stared out the window contemplating.
He started to recall his life, almost as if to no one in particular, he had made millions from junk bonds or god knows what, and blew almost all of it on coke parties. He told me I was better off out of it. I took the advice to heart. The point is this guy was no different than any crazy I’d met at The Priory. He had his nervous twitches, his pharmaceutical love of white powder, and a tendency to place his conversation in the context of the earth and the human race, rather than an individual one.
Look at TV and film these days, I’ve always loved the tools of Sci-fi, not so much the gadgets as the endless conveyor belt of what if’s, it seems that everything I see has appropriated the predictive nature of that once cult format. It seems that most celebrities are now officially a little crazy, some more than others. It seems the same can be said for scriptwriters too. To me it’s all old hat, I’ve been mad for years so I and many of my crazy friends from times gone by are prepared.
If you think normality still exists, you are outnumbered. Originality is such a sought after commodity now, that no matter the market, medium, or craft, no matter how little sense it makes, if people like it, it’s a roaring success. The point is sanity has become boring. People try to escape the cold harsh light of reality everyday. Women who let advertisers fool them into believing in eternal youth and beauty. The promise of wealth. The illusion of sophistication and glamour. Take a ride into space for $20m and wonder what it’s all about. Smoke a doobie and wonder how you are going to make that much money in the first place.
The lunatics escaped from the asylum a long time ago, they run the media, the government, the corporations, they design your clothes, paint your art, start wars, sell reconverted asylums as executive apartments with panoramic views, they’re everywhere. Get used to it.
Tags: T-Shirts, asylum, drugs, fashion, funny, loony, mad, mental health, political, retro, t shirt
Privacy T-Shirt by RetroGod.com
Author: admin22 Sep
PRIVACY - Well this is a rather straight forward design, based on an old and tatty motel door sign. Simply called privacy, it hints at more than just the insane overcrowding and over-population of so many of our cities today, but the absolute lack of privacy, what could once have been called a human right, and now, well now I suppose it is considered something of a luxury.
Get rich, buy an island, but a pod on the Moon, no doubt you’ll still be spied on by a satellite for some dodgy reality show, I’m sure some TV executive can crowbar a mention of ‘Moonies’ just to add some frission to the whole idea. Maybe not.
The only thing I can say is don’t get famous, get rich, not famous. Fame certainly must suck. Sure some crazies need that much attention, but I doubt many want it for the rest of their lives.
There sure are a lot of trailer trash (to be succint) who’d love to be famous. If you live without privacy, in a trailer, with god knows how many people peering over your shoulder, it probably is a step up. Still no ‘me time’ but at least I’m rich.
It’s all back to my old argument, too many people on this planet. When the time is right and the money is available I guarantee they’ll be building tax-free casinos and health spas on the Moon. It’s quiet up there right now, cold dark and quiet. If only I didn’t need to breathe air and was restricted by the laws of gravity, sounds a great place for a vacation. In fact anywhere that the rest of you six billion busy people have failed to notice would do me, it’s nothing personal, it’s just we all need a break from our vastly extended primordial family - once in a while.
Tags: T-Shirts, democrat, government, laws, privacy laws, private, republican, retro, retro god, rights, t shirts, tee
Monkfish T-Shirt by Retro God
Author: admin22 Sep
I heard in a documentary about ‘Whirling Dervishes’ that mysticism is far older than religion, I wouldn’t argue with that, but to be honest, loose or rigid, it’s all still religion to me. I know we all have to believe in something, ourselves, the future, in good government, whatever you like. But to me belief, hope, infact anything in that general area is simply blind and over-optimistic at best.
Most people can’t deal with the terrible truth, the human race is a virus running riot. It isn’t an individual life at stake anymore, it’s a whole race. We’ve only managed to carve a slither of history out of this old planet, and what have we achieved, apart from an awful mess that some poor sods will have to clean up one day, and that’s if they are lucky.
We’ve screwed up, we have, and just about everyone who came before us, but mainly us, the people empowered with language, technology, information, knowledge. We can organize anything, we can communicate instantly, feeding the world a new idea, within minutes, literally. But are we going to save the world? Are we potentially a generation of heroes, or will we simply keep watching the TV in vain hope that someone else does it?
Back to my point (if I have one), belief is unfounded, it simply means ‘I don’t know’ or rather ‘I don’t know everything’. You can believe you are going to be rich for instance. You just bought a lotto ticket and you believe you can win. There, that’s what I call almost religious belief, sure it’s money and not life everlasting, but with the way Hollywood peddles its superstar lifestyles, the difference has blurred. Now what if you’d set up your own highly successful software company and it was about to be floated on the stockmarket and you believe it will make you at least a million pounds in personal fortune. You see that’s not belief, that’s just an estimate, however rough.
All I’m saying is if it sounds too far-fetched, just as with advertising, I tend to ignore it. Buddhism used to escape the glare of my growing objectivity, perhaps a fondness for the whole ‘let’s make reglion more Marxist’ approach. There’s no hierachy as such, you just have to be very good for a very long time, then you win or something. Ok so then you get to meet Kurt Cobain. Sorry. Of all the people out there, I don’t want to knock Buddhists, lovely people I’m sure, best out of a bad lot I’d say, but still, I’m feeling irreligious today.
I once worked as a temporary dustman when I was struggling with college fees and got to work a whole day with a very devout Jehovah’s Witness. He was a nice chap, bit beardy, but very relaxed and friendly. But soon I realized why the council could only get temps to work with him. He was working his mojo, he was actually trying to convert me.
I spent the next hour ‘de-converting’ him, making him deconstruct all his beliefs in a logical progression of deduction and conclusion. By the end his head was in his hands and he was bawling his eyes out. Why? Well, his wife, kids, parents, siblings, friends, everyone in his life were Jehovah’s witnesses. I then spent the next hour reassuring him and joking about my foolishness, explaining I was simply testing his faith, not denouncing it.
Some people need a divine purpose, some don’t. Religion has always exploited that belief. But there are incongruencies in all faiths, contradictions that pull apart any resemblance of logical structure and reasoning. The last religion to let me down was Buddhism. If they believe in reincarnation, then how comes the Dalai Llama is continually reborn? If anyone should set them a good example, it’s him.
Monkfish - a t-shirt and philosophy - all rolled into one!
Tags: T-Shirts, fish, god, monk, religion, retro, t shirt, weird
Bean Flicker T-Shirt by Retro God
Author: admin17 Sep
Bean Flicker - perhaps the nicest description for the act of masturbation in history.
What is it with female biology, I seem to be in a creative rut at the moment. My partner says it’s simply that I find it easier to create for women than men, hey perhaps that’s a sign of a great fashion designer, then again maybe not.
Who knows, perhaps it’s my caveman time of the month. But here we are again, sex, sex, sex, or rather the lack of it. The idea of masturbation is a lonely one (obviously), but many women will swear by it, many women cannot orgasm with their male partner, they may fake it, they may even think they’re having one, but only a woman knows what turns her on.
It’s almost as if sexual relationships have been some kind of awful compromise since year dot, and now most women out there are not prepared to make anymore. I can’t blame them. Men have been out of their depth with the whole question of sexuality since at least the earliest years of the Flower Power generation.
Free Love is what the hippies called it, or rather then men. In theory it all sounds rather sweet, love one another, make love not war. In reality, with the emergence of the contraceptive pill, the same guys (who have done this throughout history) took it as an opportunity to take advantage whilst the women had their guard down.
It’s sad that this planet has become so lonely, but the media have raised unrealistic excpectations, as has pornography, literature, art, in fact even religion has a hand in it, what it is is the idealized concept of a loving and sexual relationship.
Now see here. Until relatively late in the history of the human race, we’ve all popped our clogs by our forties. I can already feel my past lives raising their ghostly eyebrows at the sight of me living through my forties or even beyond. I never expected to reach my thirties after a somewhat hedonistic and overtly consumptive twenties, but I’m here, still here, and that’s great.
But with longevity seems to have come a burden of the expectation of eternal youth. People want to stay young forever, sexy forever, people don’t even seem want to be in love anymore, only to be loved, even adored, by the one or even as many as possible. The choice for the beautiful and rich, their surface lives window shopping for the perfect package, cannot truly countenance the existence of love, only sex and glamour, only excitement and power, only money and beauty. But even those lines have blurred, infact the blur is more a wash now.
You can buy beauty and youth. You can make money from it too. But if you have neither then join the queue of tossers and flickers of the future. Perhaps there are too many people now, what am I saying, of course there are. Wanna save the earth? Stop breeding. Either way, the more people there are, the more choice, the more expectation, the more dissapointment.
Some people work on their abs and gluts, others on their bank balance, others just work on other people until they do it all for them. Few people work on themselves, inside, without a shelf full of self-help guides or lifestyle columns. The few who do are mainly women, the women who now make sure all weapons are at the ready. The perfect body, mind, career, hair, boobs, nails, home, car, education, and then they look for their compatible mate.
Few ever find them. If you do you are one of the exceptions. It isn’t a philosophy, it’s just a numbers game, the more competition, the less people who will bother to compete. If you study the odds of a lottery game you don’t participate. If your expectations are too high of yourself or others you will be dissapointed. If difference, and even weakness, are not tools for learning life lessons, then we are all doomed to verbally as well as physically masterbate ourselves to the end of this so-called civilization.
So bean flicker, one for the girls (most likely!) - available as short long and ringer tees in many colors and up to XXL size.
Tags: T-Shirts, clit, clitoris, masturbation, over population, penis, relationships, sex, sexual
Menstrual Cycle
Author: admin16 Sep
Yes it’s not the most subtle of ideas, but I’ve tried to handle it with as much tact and decorum as I can muster.
Compared to men, women feel pain in more areas of their body and for longer. Women report varying pain experiences throughout their menstrual cycle,and then there’s the whole new world of pain encountered through wonders of pregnancy and birth.
The whole subject of menstruation can be a no no for many men, and many women would more than likely I steer away from the subject, but as we all know by now, Retro God is taking t-shirts to places where no self-respecting fashion designer has taken them before. So, behold, my latest retro t-shirt :
Menstrual Cycle
I’ve heard enough about the Moon and tides to last a lifetime [The very word menstruation is etymologically related to moon. The terms "menstruation" and "menses" come from the Latin mensis (month), which in turn relates to the Greek mene (moon)], but I have found quite a few fascinating facts about the mysteries of menstruation in my time. Take a lookie here.
Women prefer macho men at their most fertile time in the cycle, so all the new age wimpy guys must get a look in for the rest of the month, skinny nerds, be warned, choose your moment carefully.
Women with raised Estrogen levels can bare intolerable pain, one for DC and Marvel to consider next time they are developing a character. Do they still make new characters anyway?
Menstrual odour was once considered seductive in the odor-rich 18th century, perfumes were even developed using the odour as the base.
Men are coded with the 28 day cycle, as well as in the 28 day biorhythm cycle. ( A total hippie told me this one, who knows, maybe something in it). I must admit I seem to follow my partner’s moods, although that might be explained more by Pavlov’s experiments than the assumptions of a hippy.
So there you have it, now go and buy it! Menstrual Cycle is available in 30 shades, in sizes up to XXL, and there’s a nice range of long sleeved tees and a tracksuit (if you’re feeling brave).
Tags: T-Shirts, fashion, menstrual cycle, menstruate, monthly, period, t shirt, Tampax, tampon
Señor Citizen - A misspelled youth
Author: admin8 Sep
This is a rather funny tee - misspellings can really be a cultural eyeopener - ‘Señor Citizen’ is one of my faves - to me it’s rather an exotic mistake. Being a senior citizen these days doesn’t carry much weight - in fact more likely a burden. To become more Spanish or Latino instead of ageing sounds great. Senior Citizen on the other hand - the government approved classification coined by various well-meaning post-war administrators - is a rather clinical term. As with many government initiatives, be it age, physicality, sex, the phrases they come out with are at the best patronizing, at the worst, a cause of deep irritation for all those subjected to these classifications.
It’s only human nature to misspell words, however much you might want to blame falling literacy rates, for the main part that isn’t true. In quantity at least, more kids have access to education across the world than ever before. The quality on the other hand may be slipping, perhaps with the arrival of ‘text’, those who text each other are rewarded for abbreviation, and even misspelling. I doubt that such things as language standards can possibly exist in the future, as more and more cultures learn each other’s languages for business and trade, so the message is watered down.
I still have a problem with its and it’s - The apostrophe marks a contraction of "it is." Something that belongs to it is "its."
Here’s a great list of others -
- Man Arrested for Possession of Heroine
- Reagan Goes for Juggler in Midwest
- Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. [dams]
- Full coarse meals. [course]
- Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles. [abdominal]
- The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. [pistil]
- Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper. [Satan]
- In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal. [steel]
- Carats, two for 39 cents. [carrots]
- My uncle suffers from sick as hell anemia. [sickle-cell]
Tags: T-Shirts, dictionary, latino, misspelled, misspelling, Señor Citizen, spanish, spelling, spelling mistake, t shirt